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Do Not Fear

Abba Abba, there are so many people out there trying to pull me back into that old lifestyle. They say that they are my friends but I now know better. They harbor evil in their hearts, they devise wicked schemes against me. Malice consumes their thoughts towards me, rage fills their eyes. They lay in wait for me in the shadows of darkness looking for the first opportunity to strike. How long oh Lord will they try to pull me back into the slimy pit of addiction? Do they not see your light shining through me? Can they not see that I am now a daughter of the most high king? Or is that it? They do see your light shining brightly through me and that disturbs the demons in them. I sit around meditating on your word scared to leave the comfort of my home then it hits me. “ Do not be afraid.” 365 times Your Word tells me not to be afraid. I will no longer let fear control me, for you alone are my rock and fortress. In you alone, I put my trust. When I decided to change my life for the better and sit the drugs and old lifestyle down, I felt like I could still hold on to “my friends/my people”. I felt as if the people I used and ran the streets with were my true best friends. I had such a twisted perception of what friendship was and an even more twisted perception of what love was. I thought just because someone would keep me high all the time that they cared about me because you only give drugs to those you love right? It has taken me quite some time to fully let go of the people from my past that I wanted to hang on to, and if the truth be known at times I still struggle with it. I can remember telling myself when I came into this program that I am doing this for the man that I was with. For the first few months in the program no one could tell me any different. I was holding on to that relationship and was unwilling to let go of it because he truly loved me, Or so I thought. I told myself that if I get better while he is sitting in prison then when he gets out we will be happy ever after. But God! Once God truly got ahold of me and I surrendered to Him and His will for my life and began learning of His love for me, I soon realized that there was no love in that relationship. It was in fact nothing but abuse. Then as time went on I also realized that just because I was in a program getting my life together that the world had not stopped and neither did any of “my peoples” addictions stop just because my addiction had stopped. The thing about addiction is that it is a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: Jails, Institutions, and death, Oh my. When I came into recovery I had to let go of all my old people, places, and things because if I didn't then I was just fooling myself and setting my recovery up for failure. Misery loves company and for those who are still in their addiction life is miserable and unmanageable. Now at almost two years sober, I don't ever want to go back to that life. God has blessed me in a way I never imagined. I get to help other women that have struggled like I have, find themselves again. Hopeless souls become hopeful once again. The most rewarding part is sitting back and watching God do what He does in the hearts of the women we serve. I truly believe the most beautiful part of it all is watching the light come back into the eyes of a woman that has been so lost in the darkness of addiction.

Written by: Jessica Morris

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